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04 april Livin in Tennessee...Gotta Love itThings I've Learned Growing up in Tennessee:
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee. There are 10,000 kinds of spiders, ALL live in Tennessee plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. Onced and twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy. People actually grow and eat okra. Fixinto is one word. There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar! Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you." DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?" You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them. ******************************************************************************************** YOU KNOW YOUR FROM Tennessee IF: You measure distance in minutes. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store." All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. You know what a "DAWG" is. You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World." You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?" Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive. Oh yea....It is a SIN to get rid of bacon drippin's...Every thing is cooked with it!
You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Tennessee (and those who just wish they were). Not EVERYONE can be a Tennessean, it's an art form and a gift from God! 18 maart Redneck visitA redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. 20 februari ShockedI was shocked, confused and bewildered as I entered heaven's door, not by the beauty of it all, nor by the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in heaven who made me sputter and gasp; the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash. There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well. I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue." "Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."
16 oktober Jokes to make you smileWhen the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "Of course," replied the patient...
A YOUNG LADY was dating two men—a dairy farmer and a poet. She had trouble deciding if she should marry for butter or for verse.
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable. Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church. "Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom?
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air." "I know," said her mother.
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?" "We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him. "Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted. "Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped. "Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death." "What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge. "Nuns with scissors."
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet. He said "postage dew".
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage. Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" 15 augustus SMILEGREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. 25 juli Christian One LinersDon't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Peace starts with a smile. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Don't put a question mark where God put a period. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Forbidden fruits create many jams. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God grades on the cross, not the curve. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!" *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* He who angers you, controls you! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* We don't change the message, the message changes us. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 30 mei A matter of timming!
Mommy Or Daddy? I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," .I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. 25 april Funny things children say during church.Jesus' Dad's Name. A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."
*********** KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ********************************************** Peace, love and happiness God has placed each of us here on loan. He does ask for us back at some point 22 maart North vs. SouthNorth vs. South The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses. The North has dating services, The South has family reunions. The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails. The North has double last names, The South has double first names. The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens. The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish. The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt. FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store. Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.! Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The proper pronu nciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. 17 maart Hooks & Humor: Funny Crochet DefinitionsHooks & Humor: Funny Crochet Definitions by Cindy Long Do those crochet terms and abbreviations have you stumped? Read on... Pattern: A set of written instructions that may or may not result in creating the object in the picture. Most patterns include a list of supplies, but this is for your amusement only. After all, Amazonian Rhesus yarn in smoky turquoise does not exist, and cannot be obtained. Patterns also have fun-to-do math problems, such as 1 dc in next 7 dc (34 dc made)…?! Yo: Yarn Over, meaning you need to wrap your yarn over your hook. Of course, this assumes the yarn doesn’t split, fray or tangle. If this happens, yo then stands for, “Yell Outrageously.” Dtrtrc: Double-treble-treble-crochet. This is a stitch where you yo four zillion times, insert hook in stitch and pull through the next two loops, repeating until all loops are off the hook, or until the end of time, whichever comes first. Reverse sc: This stitch is the lefty’s revenge on all of us righties—for once we have to work backwards, too! Catalog: A dangerous device that hypnotizes crocheters. It lulls them into a catatonic state, causing them to spend the family’s grocery money on patterns and yarn. It may also be an evil plot to cause the downfall of the American economy. Hook: A device permanently attached to a crocheter’s hand. It is also connected to her blood supply, and if for some reason it becomes dislodged from her hand, she breaks into a sweat and starts to feel faint. If the hook cannot be immediately replaced, the only valid substitute is a catalog (see above). Yarn: The only reason sheep farms still exist! It’s also what crocheters buy when they have money; if there’s any cash left over, they buy food and clothes. Doily: This seemingly innocent item looks like a table protector, but if someone actually tries to put a wet glass or an ashtray on it, the creator will instantly turn into a snarling Doberman. Use doilies at your own peril. Cat: A non-mechanical device used for unraveling afghans, unwinding skeins and keeping one’s lap warm. A cat requires daily maintenance in the form of light stroking. Dog: Another non-mechanical device that is used for chasing down balls of yarn and putting tooth-mark engravings in wooden hooks. It’s a high-maintenance item that does not store easily. Baby: A valid excuse to crochet something. Housework: An ancient rite that was performed by some B.C. women (Before Crochet). Historians believe it may have had something to do with a device called a “vacuum cleaner,” which was kept in closets now occupied by yarn. 23 januari George Carlin's View on AgingGeorge Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kid s? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words s ound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. A nd it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry abou t them. That is why you pay "them " 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. 15 september Just a few JokesWhile walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?" My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her. We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix. She's still mad at me. What did I do? A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ... "for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband." A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf. The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!" His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !" Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks to me like "8 and1/2" pounds," he offered confidently. "This must not be your first," I said. "Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first." "Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked. ~~~~~~He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman." While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one. I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.' " He got his new dictionary. Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat. One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!" As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist." ................................................................................................................................................................................ A young graduate applied for a job. "Pretty good, I think," she replied. Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Are you sure that's what they told you? She replied, "No they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary." There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down." During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?" "Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!" A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . . He said, "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today". She said, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." He said, "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?" She said, "Well, the air bag works." A goober goes to a show and after sitting down, a ventriloquist comes on the stage, and goes through the routine goober jokes.Suddenly the goober jumps up screaming, blaming the man for the way she is treated at work and presented in the media. The ventriloquist starts to apologize. The goober then looks at him and says, A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile. Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time... "Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things.... What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!" 04 augustus Of Course Not!Of Course Not! ============== A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?" "I would be heartbroken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry." "But you wouldn't bring him here to our house would you?" "Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it." "But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?" "Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away." "Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?" "Of course not! He's left handed!" 16 juli Good clean FunThe couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything seemed way out of their price range. "Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again. Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't they foreign objects?" She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants. "Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?" Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes they are all mine and it's NO picnic!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked: "What do you want, Sonny?" "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang. "You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably. "All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!" |
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